- you like ipswich town hall
- you fell in a thorn bush
- you don't like your mum
- marilyn manson is your mum
- all your friends are blonde and you're not
- your whites went dark grey in a mixed load
- it's like being a ninja who's just given up
- you don't play cricket
- your tracksuit and trainers are now "chav"
- it's one step away from that boyzone-style undercut you had
- you thought "poison" was french
- you're no longer a papist, but like that crucifix
- you're colourblind and have 'matching' issues
- you own a sword shop
- you've run out of shampoo
- your eyeliner slipped
- you're a boy, and your "friend"s eyeliner slipped
30.4.06
reasons to be a goth*
tribute
a tribute to ipswich town hall:
somewhere over a crossbow
I want to die.
I like black so I dyed my hair
and it makes me cry.
somewhere I've got no piercings
that's a lie.
if my mum doesn't like them
why, oh, why can't I?
somewhere over a crossbow
I want to die.
I like black so I dyed my hair
and it makes me cry.
somewhere I've got no piercings
that's a lie.
if my mum doesn't like them
why, oh, why can't I?
29.4.06
anecdote of the day - the one with the wok
ok, so I need a frying pan, right... [so far this sounds like one of sparticus's stories...]
anyway, I go into tesco, and see tesco value frying pans and tesco value woks. now the tesco value woks are cheaper, and the labels are all mixed up already, but despite my confusion [maybe the pans aisle was trying to tell me something] I take a tesco value frying pan with a tesco value wok label on it down from the shelf.
anyway, then - as I always do - I check out the hat aisle.
error. [uh-oh, this really is...]
actually, today - there are no hats [that I haven't already tried on and don't fit, don't own, or don't suit]. there is, however, a lovely sleeveless pullover and some trousers, which I need. I decide to try them on, and so am now standing in the queue with a pair of trousers, a sleeveless pullover, and a tesco value frying pan.
I make pleasant conversation with the lady to my left, who is waiting for her ac/dc-t-shirt-wearing-son to finish trying on his clothes. she expresses her fear that I might club her. I hadn't thought of that.
in our talking, she refers to the tesco value frying pan as a wok [having seen the label. she has obviously seriously considered her story for the police, post-clubbing)]. I am swift to correct her, saying "I'm making pancakes. why would I want a wok? they'd just be really fat". I laugh to myself at the thought of a really deep pancake.
{
as a matter of fact, I do not intend to make pancakes with it, I intend to make injera. I do not want to waste this lady's time explaining this, though.
the changing-room-attendant-lady [henceforth referered to as "lady.II"] now asks: "how many items have you got there?" to which I naturally answer, "two. unless you include the frying pan, but I'm planning on stealing that."
in the changing room, whilst unnerved by the unnatural amount of space inside [I think she may have thought I was disabled or, at the very least, handicapped], I begin cracking up as my next witty comment to lady.II enters my mind. I also realise that the trousers are a little on the small side. this is a shame, because they were reduced. in price.
so I step out of the tardis cubicle with my big number two tag, the trousers, the sleeveless pullover and the tesco value frying pan. lady.II [predictably] asks "how did you get on in there?" despite feeling a little interrogated, I explain that "the sleeveless pullover fits, but [wait for it...] the trousers and frying pan do not."
I then say [now here's the 'best' bit...] "maybe I'll try a wok", whilst indicating with my free hand hand where I might place it so as to appear an even more rotund robber.
"what now?" you ask. now, I leave the trousers [not the ones I was wearing when I went in. I'm still wearing them, sicko!], pay for the sleeveless pullover and tesco value frying pan, and return to the dog who has been patiently waiting with my sister in the car. I drive home to find that the tesco value frying pan is rubbish.
in the process of paying, incidentally, I am asked several confusing questions. the first being "do you want to keep the hanger?" now normally, I would have answered this with confidence, but I merely mumbled a 'no thanks', eager to avoid any awkward "are-you-going-to-club-me?" glances.
I'm also asked if I am "collecting computers for schools vouchers". my mind answers no to this before I hear the word vouchers, but even then - I'm not so sure that I've exactly been 'collecting' them, either. in my mind, that defeats the point [I am, as yet, not an educational institution].
finally, I'm asked if I have a clubcard. I toy with the idea of giving my co-op share number, but realise that isn't funny. I don't even want to be in their stupid club anyway. stupidheads.
{sleep}
anyway, I go into tesco, and see tesco value frying pans and tesco value woks. now the tesco value woks are cheaper, and the labels are all mixed up already, but despite my confusion [maybe the pans aisle was trying to tell me something] I take a tesco value frying pan with a tesco value wok label on it down from the shelf.
anyway, then - as I always do - I check out the hat aisle.
error. [uh-oh, this really is...]
actually, today - there are no hats [that I haven't already tried on and don't fit, don't own, or don't suit]. there is, however, a lovely sleeveless pullover and some trousers, which I need. I decide to try them on, and so am now standing in the queue with a pair of trousers, a sleeveless pullover, and a tesco value frying pan.
I make pleasant conversation with the lady to my left, who is waiting for her ac/dc-t-shirt-wearing-son to finish trying on his clothes. she expresses her fear that I might club her. I hadn't thought of that.
in our talking, she refers to the tesco value frying pan as a wok [having seen the label. she has obviously seriously considered her story for the police, post-clubbing)]. I am swift to correct her, saying "I'm making pancakes. why would I want a wok? they'd just be really fat". I laugh to myself at the thought of a really deep pancake.
{
as a matter of fact, I do not intend to make pancakes with it, I intend to make injera. I do not want to waste this lady's time explaining this, though.
the changing-room-attendant-lady [henceforth referered to as "lady.II"] now asks: "how many items have you got there?" to which I naturally answer, "two. unless you include the frying pan, but I'm planning on stealing that."
in the changing room, whilst unnerved by the unnatural amount of space inside [I think she may have thought I was disabled or, at the very least, handicapped], I begin cracking up as my next witty comment to lady.II enters my mind. I also realise that the trousers are a little on the small side. this is a shame, because they were reduced. in price.
so I step out of the tardis cubicle with my big number two tag, the trousers, the sleeveless pullover and the tesco value frying pan. lady.II [predictably] asks "how did you get on in there?" despite feeling a little interrogated, I explain that "the sleeveless pullover fits, but [wait for it...] the trousers and frying pan do not."
I then say [now here's the 'best' bit...] "maybe I'll try a wok", whilst indicating with my free hand hand where I might place it so as to appear an even more rotund robber.
"what now?" you ask. now, I leave the trousers [not the ones I was wearing when I went in. I'm still wearing them, sicko!], pay for the sleeveless pullover and tesco value frying pan, and return to the dog who has been patiently waiting with my sister in the car. I drive home to find that the tesco value frying pan is rubbish.
in the process of paying, incidentally, I am asked several confusing questions. the first being "do you want to keep the hanger?" now normally, I would have answered this with confidence, but I merely mumbled a 'no thanks', eager to avoid any awkward "are-you-going-to-club-me?" glances.
I'm also asked if I am "collecting computers for schools vouchers". my mind answers no to this before I hear the word vouchers, but even then - I'm not so sure that I've exactly been 'collecting' them, either. in my mind, that defeats the point [I am, as yet, not an educational institution].
finally, I'm asked if I have a clubcard. I toy with the idea of giving my co-op share number, but realise that isn't funny. I don't even want to be in their stupid club anyway. stupidheads.
- this is far too long to be considered an anecdote.
- maybe I should have bought the wok.
{sleep}
camera update iii
no camera. pretty sure I've been scammed. it's only really annoying 'cos I've never been so regularly disappointed for such a long period of time before. on the plus side... it's the bank holiday weekend, yay!
28.4.06
job
wow. found out what actually doing some work feels like. I now wash up fridays and saturdays at the black horse, thorndon. it's a very good pub. go there.
a little tired now, but I guess that must be another symptom. enjoyed it whilst there though, but I'm sure that'll fade. rock on affording gap year, woo!
a little tired now, but I guess that must be another symptom. enjoyed it whilst there though, but I'm sure that'll fade. rock on affording gap year, woo!
27.4.06
raven/crow/eagle
right, when I was little, I was actually told (and presumably convinced) that if I pouted, a large bird would land on my lip. I don't remember quite which bird, but hey.
then again, I also believed some 'bigger' boys when they told me that vultures would attack and eat my kid sister when she was in her pram. I reckon that's why I always ran with her. and maybe why it seemed like a good idea to push her down huge ramps and things...
then again, I also believed some 'bigger' boys when they told me that vultures would attack and eat my kid sister when she was in her pram. I reckon that's why I always ran with her. and maybe why it seemed like a good idea to push her down huge ramps and things...
26.4.06
24.4.06
feuerfuchs
for some odd, odd reason - my feuerfuchs, or "fox of fire" has ceased to live. in honour of it, then, here is a list of fun things to go as to a fancy dress party where the theme is "f":
- fag
- fox
- fire
- firewall
- frog
- frenchman
- fireman
- firewoman
- finger
- "fil"
- fatty
- .....
iPope 1.0
- replaces the somewhat jewish iJesus
- a by-product of the fairly recent earth-God merger
- may even out-sell the recent dBrown
- you're no cathaholic without it!
- now with higher memory capacity and greater running speed
- features:
--- easy-to-use click wheel with complicated latin instructions
--- unfaultable software
--- comes in one colour
--- offline support at vatican hq
--- full 'purgatory hotline' support, with the guarrantee that it'll work again eventually if it breaks
--- occasional popecasts with free downloadable dogma
--- uploadable confessions for less than a cathedral cost
--- can be used along with the iPriest for a somewhat reliable connection with iGod
- accessories:
--- iSocks
--- iSandles.
--- (iSheath is unlikely to be available with the iPope 1.0)
- links:
--- a picture of the new iPope
--- the iPope background for your pc
--- a real(ly old) news story
--- and another
--- more features (apparently)
--- to order the USB cable
--- iPope trial
--- iPope music
n.b. all meant in good fun.
- a by-product of the fairly recent earth-God merger
- may even out-sell the recent dBrown
- you're no cathaholic without it!
- now with higher memory capacity and greater running speed
- features:
--- easy-to-use click wheel with complicated latin instructions
--- unfaultable software
--- comes in one colour
--- offline support at vatican hq
--- full 'purgatory hotline' support, with the guarrantee that it'll work again eventually if it breaks
--- occasional popecasts with free downloadable dogma
--- uploadable confessions for less than a cathedral cost
--- can be used along with the iPriest for a somewhat reliable connection with iGod
- accessories:
--- iSocks
--- iSandles.
--- (iSheath is unlikely to be available with the iPope 1.0)
- links:
--- a picture of the new iPope
--- the iPope background for your pc
--- a real(ly old) news story
--- and another
--- more features (apparently)
--- to order the USB cable
--- iPope trial
--- iPope music
n.b. all meant in good fun.
23.4.06
mcf
my church start a new 'topic' next week for sunday services, called 'daniel downloaded'. a thorough exposition on the life of daniel bedingfield.
I'm just truth-stretching - it's on another daniel, and looks like being good.
ace service today, too.
I'm just truth-stretching - it's on another daniel, and looks like being good.
ace service today, too.
22.4.06
care not killing
a lethal injection is cheaper than a hospital bed for 5 years.
the assisted dying for the terminally ill bill aims to legalise assisted suicide, receives its second reading in the house of lords on 12 may.
if you think this is wrong/dangerous/at the very least, 'concerning'; contact your local MP and tell them. the care not killing website has a variety of draft letters you can use, if you haven't got a way with words.
they also suggest you write to a member of the house of lords (a 'peer'), preferrably one with an alphabetically close surname to you (so that not everyone mails !)
I've done the above.
the assisted dying for the terminally ill bill aims to legalise assisted suicide, receives its second reading in the house of lords on 12 may.
if you think this is wrong/dangerous/at the very least, 'concerning'; contact your local MP and tell them. the care not killing website has a variety of draft letters you can use, if you haven't got a way with words.
they also suggest you write to a member of the house of lords (a 'peer'), preferrably one with an alphabetically close surname to you (so that not everyone mails !)
I've done the above.
21.4.06
19.4.06
guns n roses
the whistling at the start of civil war by guns n roses is 'the animals went in two by two'*.
seriously.
*or, 'the ants go marching', if you're so inclined
seriously.
*or, 'the ants go marching', if you're so inclined
18.4.06
'easter', as they say...
...the discovery of the coptic text of a “gospel of judas” and the publication of the da vinci code might appeal to a sense of mystery but did [do] not match the challenges posed by the resurrection...
...the modern response to the proclamation ‘Christ is risen!’ is likely to be, ‘ah, but you would say that, wouldn’t you? now what’s the real agenda?’...
...yet the new testament “was written by people who by writing what they did made themselves less powerful, not more. they were walking out into an unmapped territory, away from the safe places of political and religious influence . . . it was written by people who were still trying to find a language that would catch up with a reality bigger than they had expected. whatever this is, it is not about cover-ups, not about the secret agenda of power.”...
...the world’s praying and suffering christians were the real testament to the truth of the resurrection ... there are places where conversion to christianity is literally a matter of putting your life on the line ... whatever the gospel means in circumstances like that, it isn’t a cover-up for the sake of the powerful...
click here for the full article
...the modern response to the proclamation ‘Christ is risen!’ is likely to be, ‘ah, but you would say that, wouldn’t you? now what’s the real agenda?’...
...yet the new testament “was written by people who by writing what they did made themselves less powerful, not more. they were walking out into an unmapped territory, away from the safe places of political and religious influence . . . it was written by people who were still trying to find a language that would catch up with a reality bigger than they had expected. whatever this is, it is not about cover-ups, not about the secret agenda of power.”...
...the world’s praying and suffering christians were the real testament to the truth of the resurrection ... there are places where conversion to christianity is literally a matter of putting your life on the line ... whatever the gospel means in circumstances like that, it isn’t a cover-up for the sake of the powerful...
click here for the full article
16.4.06
14.4.06
tired of phone psychics?
google 'adsense' ads on this site are getting funnier and funnier - click them or search to make me money though!! (look to the right)
13.4.06
liverpool
well, today I got a taste of culture in the european city of culture 2008 - liverpool! things I saw (mostly from the cathy tower, in no particular order):
- a statue exceedingly bare
- a cathedral (they've got one to spare)
- eighteen-foot liver birds perched up on high
- fierce chinese dragons
- the liver building
- paddy's wigwam
- a bus on its way to penny lane
- goodison park, and for some real footy - anfield
- lime street - et station
- lewis's department store (from whence I purchased a tie)
- runcorn bridge
- radio city tower
- the banksy rat on bold st
- beatles postcards proudly on sale in the cathedral
- the docks
- the walker art gallery
- the steble fountain
- williamson square fountain
- the world museum
12.4.06
9.4.06
complete rubbish
bertrand russel said "to conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."
what a load of bull.
what a load of bull.
8.4.06
c. s. lewis
on marriage...
...the christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. it means that you must not isolate that pleasure [from marriage] and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again...
...the idea that 'being in love' is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. if love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing, and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. the curious thing is that lovers themselves, while they remain really in love, know this better than those who talk about love. as chesterton pointed out, those who are in love have a natural inclination to bind themselves by promises. love songs all over the world are full of vows of eternal constancy. the christian law is not forcing upon the passion of love something which is foreign to that passion's own nature: it is demanding that lovers should take seriously something which their passion of itself impels them to do...
(from "mere christianity" by c. s. lewis)
...the christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. it means that you must not isolate that pleasure [from marriage] and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again...
...the idea that 'being in love' is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. if love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing, and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. the curious thing is that lovers themselves, while they remain really in love, know this better than those who talk about love. as chesterton pointed out, those who are in love have a natural inclination to bind themselves by promises. love songs all over the world are full of vows of eternal constancy. the christian law is not forcing upon the passion of love something which is foreign to that passion's own nature: it is demanding that lovers should take seriously something which their passion of itself impels them to do...
(from "mere christianity" by c. s. lewis)
autobiography
some possible names for my autobiography:
- why mathematicians get splinters
- if I were a nazi I'd have done things differently
- it's not a dreamcatcher, it's just string (*stolen)
- princess diana, the untold secrets
- how to get a free ipod, honest!
- why mathematicians get splinters
- if I were a nazi I'd have done things differently
- it's not a dreamcatcher, it's just string (*stolen)
- princess diana, the untold secrets
- how to get a free ipod, honest!
7.4.06
funny quotes
before you criticise someone, make sure you walk a mile in their shoes first. that way, when you do criticise them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
there are two theories about arguing with women. neither work.
give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
phil's poem of the today II
the giant and her
cloaked in the hides of seven bears
mauled by his bare hands,
his high, hunched shoulders hunker forth,
her tender palm engulfed by his mighty paw.
his unkempt mane defines the
hooded silhouette, that masks her form.
his oak-tree legs lumber on
as her lacy limbs take two then leap.
how strange it is that as they maunder
each should hold the other.
how odd that he should see her fragile beauty
and her, his broken heart.
cloaked in the hides of seven bears
mauled by his bare hands,
his high, hunched shoulders hunker forth,
her tender palm engulfed by his mighty paw.
his unkempt mane defines the
hooded silhouette, that masks her form.
his oak-tree legs lumber on
as her lacy limbs take two then leap.
how strange it is that as they maunder
each should hold the other.
how odd that he should see her fragile beauty
and her, his broken heart.
5.4.06
free beer
today, whilst browsing at my local asda, I found FREE BEER. yes, you heard me. you buy the bottle for £1.57, or something like that, then send the label back to them with a 15 word review, and they send you a cheque for £1.57. wow. it's called 'waggle dance', and despite the poncy name, isn't bad at all.
incidentally, I also realised today what rod stewart is good for. his version of "the first cut is the deepest" is far superior to sheryl crowe's.
it also snowed yesterday. wouldn't have happened in spain.
incidentally, I also realised today what rod stewart is good for. his version of "the first cut is the deepest" is far superior to sheryl crowe's.
it also snowed yesterday. wouldn't have happened in spain.
4.4.06
.JPG){kind=link}
/C884600B258E56E280256BED004E14F3/$file/lewissliverpool1.gif){kind=link}
c1965.jpg){kind=link}
3.4.06
democracy II
democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage
h.l. mencken
*chortles*
as I was walking along a road I came to a high bridge over a fast flowing river and standing upon it was a man. the man looked poised to jump so I ran over to him and said, "don’t jump! don’t you know that suicide is wrong? don’t you believe in God?"
"why yes" replied the man "I do indeed believe in God."
"well so do I, what God do you believe in?"
"I believe in the God of the christian faith."
"so do I, are you a catholic or a protestant?"
"I am a protestant" said the man as he stood on the bridge above the torrent of water below.
"me too! are you an evangelical one?"
"that I am!"
"and are you a baptist?"
"well yes, I am a baptist."
"me too!! I’m an evangelical baptist, but are you a southern baptist or a northern baptist?"
"northern of course."
"wow ME TOO!, so you’re a evangelical northern baptist? are you reformed or not?"
"well I’m a reformed evangelical northern Baptist."
"me too" said I, practically unable to contain my excitement now "I’m also a reformed evangelical northern baptist! but I suppose you are a pre-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist..?"
"No actually I’m a post-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist!"
"ME TOO! I’m a post-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist, are you an 1897 doctrine, post-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist?" I exclaimed,
"well no, actually I’m a 1915 doctrine, post-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist" he said to me.
so I ran up to the heretic and pushed him off the bridge.
pinched most recently from iamsparticus.com
"why yes" replied the man "I do indeed believe in God."
"well so do I, what God do you believe in?"
"I believe in the God of the christian faith."
"so do I, are you a catholic or a protestant?"
"I am a protestant" said the man as he stood on the bridge above the torrent of water below.
"me too! are you an evangelical one?"
"that I am!"
"and are you a baptist?"
"well yes, I am a baptist."
"me too!! I’m an evangelical baptist, but are you a southern baptist or a northern baptist?"
"northern of course."
"wow ME TOO!, so you’re a evangelical northern baptist? are you reformed or not?"
"well I’m a reformed evangelical northern Baptist."
"me too" said I, practically unable to contain my excitement now "I’m also a reformed evangelical northern baptist! but I suppose you are a pre-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist..?"
"No actually I’m a post-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist!"
"ME TOO! I’m a post-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist, are you an 1897 doctrine, post-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist?" I exclaimed,
"well no, actually I’m a 1915 doctrine, post-episcopal reformed evangelical northern baptist" he said to me.
so I ran up to the heretic and pushed him off the bridge.
pinched most recently from iamsparticus.com
1.4.06
theology
the one question plaguing theologians in recent times is this:
are the 'seven days' a reference to a literal seven-day week, or to perhaps a longer period of time, in craig david's 'seven days'?
some suggest that the song bears a striking resemblance to a popular english style of poetry, notable in such classics as 'solomon grundy'. the seven days described here are clearly a reference to 7 key events in the life and death of mr. grundy, and many would argue that this is the case with craig's song.
on the other hand, there are some who point to the dashing good looks of mr. david, and state that it is clear that, even if the week is not a literal week, the overriding point that a relationship with such a looker would happen very quickly is still more than evident. these people, however, are nutjobs.
in conclusion, perhaps we will never know the truth behind such issues, but do we care? good night.
are the 'seven days' a reference to a literal seven-day week, or to perhaps a longer period of time, in craig david's 'seven days'?
some suggest that the song bears a striking resemblance to a popular english style of poetry, notable in such classics as 'solomon grundy'. the seven days described here are clearly a reference to 7 key events in the life and death of mr. grundy, and many would argue that this is the case with craig's song.
on the other hand, there are some who point to the dashing good looks of mr. david, and state that it is clear that, even if the week is not a literal week, the overriding point that a relationship with such a looker would happen very quickly is still more than evident. these people, however, are nutjobs.
in conclusion, perhaps we will never know the truth behind such issues, but do we care? good night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)